This is not something that can be said about the candidates we have now. If there is one thing Americans can agree on, it's that pizza is a beautiful creation and deserves to be celebrated. Whether you like Hillary or Donald, Pepsi or Coke, you still can appreciate a good piece of pizza. This will be the first candidate in history to have zero opposition.
Pizza has been around since 1889. That's like hella old. As you know, in America our candidate must be at least 35 years old. Why do we do that? Maturity, life experience, and trust. Well most presidential candidates are way older than that, but imagine if our candidate was 127! That's some life experience if I've ever heard of it. Pizza will be by far our oldest and wisest candidate.
I mean, we don't really need to explain this, but Bey likes pizza, so naturally we like pizza. Look at that angelic hair flip. She is so hot she can literally bake a pizza in her hair. We know that Bey isn't shy about the fact that she loves to eat. Unfortunately our pizza binge eating doesn't go to our rock hard abs like hers, but we will eat like Yonce eats... well at least the good stuff, like pizza.
J Law is easily one of the most famous actress' of our time. She might be more famous for her absolute undying devotion to pizza. This woman would have to be Pizza's Vice President. She understands that pizza isn't just any old food, pizza is a lifestyle. Jennifer Lawrence will always use her platform to support and advocate for pizza. Pizza/J Law 2016!
Even the health nuts can't talk crap! Like we said, there's absolutely nothing to hate. Get you a gluten free pizza with no cheese and more veggies than a Whole Foods and even your vegetarian coworker can't complain... and they always complain. You can mix it up anyway you like. There's SO MANY OPTIONS! Don't like meat? Have a veggie or plain cheese pizza. Love meat? Meat Lovers is gonna be your speed. Like to gross people out? Anchovy, pineapple, and macaroni is gonna be the pizza for you! If you don't think pizza has something to offer you, think again, skeptics.
Our country goes through some pretty tough stuff. It's not always peaches and cream, and during these times we need someone to look to, to put our hope in, and someone who is going to get us out of our problems unscathed. We haven't had a president that has been able to keep our country perfectly happy and comfortable. We firmly believe pizza will serve and protect the United States. Pizza is the hero we deserve.
Have you ever seen a whole country look at the president like this? No, you probably haven't. We believe that every man, woman, and child will have this face when President Pizza is elected to office. It's little pizza children and beautiful pizza wife will be standing proudly by his side. People will line the streets to see this pizza to make its debut.
We always want a good looking face put on our country. Clinton and Trump are lovely... but think about a situation where a pizza was meeting with another world leader, or pizza was doing a White House photo shoot. Citizens of all countries would be drooling over our first family. Our international relations would improve immensely by simply electing a piece of pizza for president.
It's not a week at The Houndstooth Press if we don't have a pizza party. We are obsessed with pizza and dogs and t-shirts. We can't resist. All we know is that the Pizza Party has our vote in 2016.