Wow, they are so shiny and new. Why does their hair look washed and how are they wearing real pants? College definitely changes you over the years. You remember when you were young and naive and dressed up for class, but now what you have a strict uniform of a sorority t-shirt from The Houndstooth Press and pajama pants. You understand that soon enough your days will consist of shopping at the same places as your mom and you just want to remember the days before slacks and shirts with buttons as long as you can. Freshmen, it will fade. We're proud of you, but get back to us at the end of the semester.
You know that one teacher that speaks faster than an auctioneer? My grade going once, going twice, SOLD to the garbage can because what is going on here. This teacher has absolutely zero chill and in the first five minutes has already been through 50 of the 200 slides for that day. Panic! People (much braver than you) scream out "Please! Can you go back to the last slide?" And your teacher just looks at them with an evil smile because they know the weak will not survive their class and they are all about survival of the fittest. Hopefully you've found a boyfriend this semester because you are going to desperately need a hand massage.
No one is really going out of their way to be mean in college or popular for that fact. You're gonna probably get on the bus and you are probably going to get sat on. Don't take this personally. Odds are, the person that sat on you has been awake for four days straight and has been studying for the same Business Law test for 96 hours. When this happens just hug them like a seatbelt and remind them that everything is going to be okay (alright, maybe that might make their day worse.) Give them a pat on the back and a sip of your coffee and send them on their way. Trust me, you'll be in a place where you're tired enough to sit on someone or forget to wear one of your shoes someday.
As good as it's gonna get is really all you can ask for these days. If you have showered within the week you're probably doing better than most of the people in your classes. During a test week you are going to see people in forms you have never seen them before. Girls that forgot to take their face mask off from the night before, boys that somehow got the order of their boxers and shorts mixed up, prepare to see it all. There will be students sleeping anywhere and everywhere. Do not be alarmed. Do not wake them. This may be the only sleep they've gotten in days. You might be surprised how comfortable the floor of the hallway is. Hope is not lost, however, you can do the least and still look like a human being, just follow the steps here. You can thank us later.
So directly quoting Julie Andrews when your teacher asks why you're late might not be the best way to go, but honestly, they should feel blessed that you even bothered to show up today. We understand how it looks when we walk in late holding both a coffee from Starbucks and Chicken Mini's from Chick-Fil-A, but it's not your fault that the best coffee and the best breakfast aren't found at the same restaurant! It's not your fault that all your classmates are try-hards and that they got there on time. To quote the king of tardiness, "You should be honored by my lateness, that I would even show up to this fake ish." -Kanye (but censored because it be like that.)
College is the Stang going up a San Fransico hill and we are all Mia Thermopolis at the wheel.
But never forget, she starts as Mia and ends the movie as Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo, PrinCESS of Genovia. So maybe, like we'll all end up princesses too?!