Thanksgiving is the best of times and the worst of times. The food is wonderful. The family relations... not so much. Here are a few members of the fam you can expect to see at this Thanksgiving dinner:
The Clingy Grandma
We all have one. We love her, but we'd love her more if we could keep her at a 3 foot distance at all times. Just kidding. Kinda. She just loves you so much that she can't help playing with your hair, kissing your forehead, pinching your cheeks, and occassionally patting your butt as if you were a misbehaving 5 year old. It's supposed to be affectionate I guess. In reality, it gives you the creepies. After a hug from Clingy Grandma, you smell like Chanel no. 5 (hey, could be worse) and have a smear of Mary Kay lipstick somewhere in the vicinity of your left ear (couldn't be worse). You love her to death, you just wish she'd keep her hands off you.
The Politically Active Cousin
Can I just say it? Ugh. Ugh Ugh Ugh. Avoid Politically Active Cousin at all costs. This is the guy who just returned from a study abroad trip and is more "cultured" than ever. He thinks he's smarter than everyone at the gathering, including you. Politically active cousin will say the words "you're wrong" at least 27 times today. Just get ready for it. He probably spent the entirety of the last 3 days reading up on current events just so he could impress the family with his knowledge. Except we aren't impressed. He may or may not start an argument over federal deficits. He most definitely will lay out his thoroughly thought out tax reform plan, and then complain that none of the politicians are as smart as he is. If anyone is gonna get voted off the island, it's unanimously gonna be the Politically Active Cousin.
The Drunk Uncle
Typical. This is the guy who politely brings your mom a bottle of wine as a host gift. And then not so politely drinks the entire thing himself. He may or may not use a wine glass. More often than not, he'll just claim the bottle as his own and swig straight from the bottle, but he's always willing to share. He's always the life of the party and the winner of Cards Against Humanity. Drunk Uncle is the one you stick with when Politically Active Cousin is just too much. Even though Drunk Uncle says mildly inappropriate things about your most recent ex boyfriend and never fails to break one of your mom's favorite dishes, we all wish we could be him by about 4:30 pm. You go, Drunk Uncle.
The Prying Great Aunt
Praying she doesn't get invited this year. It's hit or miss. This bish wants to know everything about your life, right down to the nitty gritty details. Do you have a boyfriend? No. Why don't you have a boyfriend? I don't want one. (We all know this is code for I'm a potato and I pay more attention to chicken fingers than boys). Do you even like boys? Not particularly. I prefer chicken. How are your grades? Great! (Code for HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA don't tell my mom). What are you going to do with the rest of your life? Hopefully eat a lot of chicken. Are you going to end up alone? No, I'll always have chicken. So honey, tell me about..... Bye Prying Great Aunt. Can't hope to see you again soon.
The Fighting Newly Weds
Yikes. Trouble in paradise. This is the young couple who is vaguely related to you. Your grandma's sister's grandkid and her husband? Who knows. Second cousin and his new bride? IDK. But they're here with bells on. This couple will be spending the entire day pretending to be happily in love while kicking each other under the table when slightly offensive comments are slyly thrown at Grandma. You may find them hiding in a corner hissing about who ate the last chicken wing or who insulted Grandma the most. The Fighting Newly Weds are cute, photogenic, openly affectionate, and secretly wanting to kill each other. They give you yet another excuse as to why you would rather eat chicken than look for a boyfriend.
Hey, at least there's turkey.