Andy Dwyer is arguably the funniest guy on Television. And also the shambliest. Here are all the times that Andy Dwyer was the worst function date in the whole entire world:
He thinks I asked him to this function because I liked him... Jokes on him. I just needed somebody who would look decent in my pictures and my friend's roommate's cousin's boyfriend said he wanted to go. So here I am. Trying not to be a complete jerk while also making it very clear how very little interest I have in dating him. Chill, buddy. You only serve one purpose here: smile for my pictures.
Everyone else is just chillin and he has enough energy to power New York City. CALM DOWN. Read the room, dude. Everyone is just trying to have some heart to hearts and he's bouncing off the walls trying to get people to do the Stanky Leg with him. He needs to just sit down, take a deep breath, and put his hands in his lap like a 4 year old in time-out.
Is he seriously crying? What is this? STOP BEING SO EMOTIONAL. I am not equipped to handle this. Do I give him a hug? Pat him on the back? I think I'm just going to hand him a tissue and hope for the best. I thought only girls cried when they had a little too much fun. This is new territory. Should I call his mom and see if she can make him feel better? Maybe get him a taco to distract him from his feelings?
Keep your clothes on. Please. I beg you. I know the dad bod is in, but not that in. Leave a little to the imagination. We've all taken this date who loses his clothing piece by piece throughout the night. I am NOT taking him to the function venue like this. I'm gonna find some duct tape to physically attach his clothing to his body. How did I get set up with this guy? Why is he this comfortable around me already? I haven't even been that nice to him. Maybe I can zip him in to his sweatshirt backward.... Yeah. That's the move.
Now he's getting all philosophical and depressed. I don't have the mental capacity to keep up with his borderline profound thoughts right now. Why can't he just complain about his classes and talk about how badly he wants a pizza like most normal guys at 12:30 am? I can discuss a need for pizza, but I don't think I can discuss the meaning of life or the "true" value of a college degree. He's trying to convince me to drop out of college because it's just another one of society's fabricated constructs to make us feel inadequate. What.
Here we go. I truly don't have any interest in hearing about his relationship with his mother during his early childhood. Or how his high school girlfriend broke his heart. Or his many insecurities involving his athletic and/or academic abilities. This is TMI. We are not on this level. Does he expect me to reciprocate and share all my deepest darkest secrets? Not gonna happen.
Here comes the political talk.... Oh please no. Nobody wants to hear your opinion on the President's health care plan or your suggestions for improving it. We also don't care about your thoughts on foreign policy. Or Immigration. Or taxes. Or really anything else! Just shut up and talk about something that everybody can get behind. Like pizza or puppies!
Spilling a drink on the floor is one thing. Destroying expensive furniture and home appliances is another. Welp. That's gonna be expensive. Your friends are never going to let you bring a date over to their apartment again. Was that an accident? Hard to tell. This dude better get ready for the bill he's gonna get hit with tomorrow.
Aaaaand he thinks he's a rockstar. Maybe later he'll turn into a rapper too. This is just getting embarrassing. He must think he's in a karaoke bar. Well he's not! Currently brainstorming how to get him to shut up. Maybe I'll try the taco distraction again before his falsetto shatters the windows.
Andy Dwyer is the best guy, but the worst function date.