That Moment When You Go To A Sorority Function With A Boy You Don't Know

Fingers crossed he's as cute as his Instagram pics

Ok, this may sound shallow, but he’s hoping the same thing. Odds are, your friend felt bad for your datelessness and found the cutest/most willing human in her Principles of Biology lecture and asked him for you, without your permission, so you can stop third-wheeling her and her boyfriend. Your friend breaks the news to you— you have a hot date, better shave your legs and rethink the “meatball” costume. You, of course, want to be the envy of all your sorority sisters. Commence internet stalking to make sure he’s better looking than the last zero guys you’ve brought to functions. The good news: he’s stalking you too. Probably at the same time, how romantic! 

You're going to have to emphasize how important matching costumes are to you

It’s not the boy’s fault that they don’t understand function themes are not a game, they are a lifestyle, so you’re going to need to explain this to them in detail. Yes, he has to wear the leggings, and no, you’re not going to apologize for that. We go out in style, or we don’t go out at all. 

You pay for food... right?

Help. What is the protocol here! I think it is safe to assume that because you are making this poor boy wear leggings in front of your entire chapter… you should probably pay for food. Usually it’s just the pre-function ice cream or the post-function Sonic, so those six bucks you have burning a hole in your pocket, should suffice. Don’t forget that you have to buy that function t-shirt for the both of you, too, but we all know you were gonna buy it anyway. Sometimes you get lucky enough to find a random that wears the leggings and pays. That’s the man you need to marry, propose right there. 

You try to play it cool

You may be calling the shots on the costume, but you don’t want him to think you’re an absolute crazy. You’re going to act real chill so he doesn't fake a death in his family to get out of going with you. Those awkward text conversations leading up to the function are going to be very, well, awkward. But necessary for you to both see what you’re getting yourselves into. 

But he'll see the real you on the dance floor

Ok, you can play it cool, to a point! But once “Work” by Rihanna comes on, he’s going to see the real you. There’s no stopping you once the groove hits you. This is a good time to see if homeboy can hang, the true test. He doesn't have to win “So You Think You Can Dance” but he has to try. Go find those pledge sisters of yours and dance the night away, if he’s a good random date, he’ll follow no questions asked. 

You may forget his name, but only for like 5 second intervals

Introductions can be hard, this is true, especially when you have to be like “This is my uh… friend… kind of like date person… *blank on name*.” This is where a pneumonic device comes in handy. For example, his name is Blake, and he has brown hair. Brown-hair-Blake! If you forget, just dance through the sheer awkwardness. In the words of Lady Gaga. “Just dance, it’s gonna be okay.” 

You will probably lose him at some point in the night 

Alert. Alert. I repeat, alert. Where is Brown-Hair-Blake?! Don’t panic. He probably has friends at the University, too. Or he’s hiding from you in the bathroom, but probably he saw some of his dudes and is catching them up on if you’re crazy cool or just plain crazy. Just find each other for long enough to get that Instagram pic. 

If you post a picture your grandma will write on your Facebook wall and say, “Who’s the new cutie?”

Grandma! What did I tell you about writing personal things on my Facebook wall?! Everyone can see that! Blocking your grandma is a little extreme, so just go with it. Tag your “new cutie” in her post and say, “this is my FRIEND, Brown-Hair-Blake.” Hopefully she will get the hint, or maybe she’ll forget how to check her notifications and you’ll be in the clear.  

If it goes badly, he'll be in your class next semester

Just a warning, this is how life goes. If you never want to see him again, you will see him everyday for the rest of your college career. If his leggings ripped, you called him the wrong name, or lost him indefinitely, it probably didn’t go all that well. If you’re asking yourself, “Did that go well?” It didn’t. Prepare to see him in your Public Speaking class. You’re gonna wanna sit by a big dude to hide yourself. 

If it goes well, he'll transfer schools at semester

Goodbye, sweet prince. Your friend knows you so well and she got you your own personal Channing Tatum. The Christmas function went off without a hitch and he wore the Buddy the Elf yellow leggings with pride, but then at the end of the function he hits you with the news, he wont be back next semester. He probably got a full ride to Harvard for being so handsome! You will miss him, but you’ll have a night of memories to last you forever. 

Best case scenario you seem him on campus occasionally and give him one of these

As weird as it may be, the preferred outcome is a mediocre time! You both had a time, a good time! But you silently decided that this would be the first and last function you go to together. Hey, a new friend! Or uh… acquaintance. You see him on campus and you’re like, “What’s up, Brown-Hair-Blake?” and he’s like, “For the last time, you can just call me ‘Blake.’” Perfect half-strangers, just like you like it. 

But at the end of the day you should be proud you went out on a limb and went with a total rando! You go Glen Coco!


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