Thoughts When You Bring A Guy To A Function As Told By Ann Perkins

Ann is all of us when it comes to guys.

You’re totally pumped because you finally have a guy you want to ask to your function

Heck to the yes. You knew the moment you first laid eyes on him in your Principles of Biology lab that he was THE ONE. Well, you know, at least the one you wanted to take to a function. We won’t jump ahead here. We’re playing it cool.

But then you have to decide HOW you are going to ask him

Okay, let’s face it. No one asks their dates to things in a cool way anymore. That was so high school (but like, let’s bring that back somebody)… but you still have to decide if you want to call, text, or ask in person, which can be a stressful decision! Is texting too informal??? but who calls on the phone anymore? Millennials basically neverrrr answer their phones, so now you’re only option is in person, but then what if you get the nervous sweats and he sees your pit stains? 

After lots of debate, you decide to just go for it and text him….But then you have to wait for his response…..

Who cares if texting is too informal? You’re nervous as heck and just want to get the asking over with! You shoot him this text: “Hi!!!! Do U want 2 go 2 the function w me?!!! :)” You have zero chill but you’re hoping your cryptic text lingo makes you seem laid back.


Chill, cryptic text worked!!! You #totallynailedit. Go you. Looks like somebody has a date to a function!!! Now you go call all your best friends, which is only like fifteen people and you scream on the phone together for approximately 45 seconds, because 60 seconds would make you seem ~dramatic~. 

But now you are literally SO nervous

The holy-cow-I-actually-just-did-that feeling sets in. You pace around your room with the speed of a power walker in the Olympics. All chill is gone. Entering crisis mode. All the freak out feels. But you’re a problem solver so….

You make a list of conversation topics in case there is an awkward silence while on the function bus

You’re not about to go into this thing unprepared. You grab your most extraverted friend and grill her on what to say during the date. Do you talk while you’re dancing? Or do you just look at each other? What if that gets awkward? What do normal people talk about? 

1 hour before the function

This is the most critical time. You’ve done the prep work. You’ve got the outfit. You’ve asked the boy. You’ve even brushed your teeth. But now you’re getting way nervous again and maybe you just want to stay home? Netflix always sounds better than people-ing…. Maybe you should just watch Netflix? 


Okay, no! No time to contemplate not going. You gotta go now. He’s here and you can’t be rude. You suck it up and put on your function game face. You.Can.Do.This.

When you see everyone dancing and realize that he is going to see your embarrassing dance moves

All of your sisters are having so much fun, you rush to go join them and drag your date along yelling indistinctly “Myfriendsareoverrrrthererrrr!” over the roar of the music. But then you realize, if you want to really have fun and be yourself, you’re gonna have to dance in front of him. You * again * begin contemplating your escape plan until your best friend gives you that “Don’t be a baby” look…

So you man up and shamelessly get your groove on!

Who cares if he sees you sweat, or do the stanky leg, or try to wobble, you’re at a function and you’re here to party! To your surprise he actually gets into it too and before you know it you’re both on the dance floor singing Taylor Swift and Kanye (because you don’t pick sides when it comes to good music #TayKan2020). After two solid hours though, you remember your 8am and you’re ready to wrap up this night.

But you signed up to be a sober monitor so you have to stay for another 30 minutes

Oh the struggle of sober monitoring. You are glad to render your humble services of party monitoring to your sorority (plus, easy points!) but you always forget that you have to stay for your entire shift…which can be exhausting when you’ve danced the night away. We commend your brave sober monitoring efforts though.

After the function you try to tell your date how much fun you had without being a creep

The night is over and you’re trying to come up with the perfect goodbye to your date. You totally had a blast with him, but if you say that will he think you’re flirting? Should you flirt with him a little? You decide that kindness and flattery never hurt so you tell him that you were really glad you asked him and had a great night. #perfect We approve that message.

But you almost forgot to give him his function T-shirt!!!

Whew, that was a close one. You got so wrapped up in thanking him for the fun time that you almost forgot to give him the function T-shirt! The best part of every function. We know there is nothing like the first time you see the function shirt design and it is straight fire. Naturally your date will always want one too, so you buy two and can’t wait to wear it to class the next morning! Chances are you’ll run into your date and he’ll be wearing it too. 

Now the only thing you know will be more fun than this function, is going to sleep…

You walk into your dorm/apartment and quickly change into your comfiest pajamas… a t-shirt and yoga pants…. and hop into bed. As you begin to fall asleep you slowly start to dream that maybe he will ask you to his function next….


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